Living with Postpartum Depression - My Story

Sharing my experience with postpartum depression and anxiety; My story of PPD after I had my second child and battled severe anxiety and depression; How I coped with and overcame postpartum depression and anxiety.

my experience with postpartum depression - The beginning

I am wholeheartedly aware that one of the reasons I want to share this story is because it is therapeutic to me. I need to get it out. Also, I want and need to share my story so other moms know that they aren’t alone if they suffer from PPD or PPA, and who knows, maybe some of these moms will be able to connect with each other.

Madison was born on May 1, 2017. I was induced into labour two weeks early due to gestational diabetes. Labour started slowly and didn’t become active until my my midwife broke my water. After that, Madison came into the world fast and furious! There was no time for any pain relief except for laughing gas as I was at 3 cm when my water was broken at 4 pm and she was born at 4:25 pm. Yup! Told ya it was fast :)

We had made childcare arrangements for Layla who was only 18 months old at the time, so when we were discharged from the hospital after one night we had one more night where we only had Maddie at home. Right from that first night at home Maddie was up all night long. She was pumped about cluster feeding and I was there for it. I was all set up in my bedroom with a TV set up and snacks and water at hand. After 4-5 days though, things got rocky. That’s when new moms have a hormone crash and our hormones go all bonkers and the breastmilk starts to come in. I was a wreck. FML. I knew it was something more than the baby blues because I remembered being tearful at this time after Layla was born, but this was different. Anxiety was at an extreme high. I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin. I remember finding out from my aunt that Layla was coming down with a cold or flu and I literally could not even process that information. I stepped outside on our balcony and started to envision myself jumping off of it. My husband knew something was up because he asked me to come inside, go upstairs and take a nap. I slept for most of the day. Maddie was given formula that afternoon, hubby called my mom and they made the executive decision that we would go and stay with my parents until I felt well enough to go home.

We stayed at my parents’ home for just over a month. I cannot thank them enough for their love and support during this time. I truly do not know what I would have done without them. During that month I was able to take naps and adjust to new medication. I did not need to worry about cooking or doing the laundry and my sister played a huge role in childcare for Layla. Layla slept downstairs with her and my sister comforted her while she was teething, played with her, fed her snacks and loved her when I was emotionally unavailable. She played a huge part in my recovery and I will be forever grateful (Love you, Tay!).

After a month when we came home I was a lot better but it wasn’t over. For me the depression was cyclical. I’d have periods of feeling “normal” followed by a day where I’d feel a little off. Then the next morning I would wake up in a panic and the depression would start. I lost count of how many times we packed up and went back to my parents’ for a week or 2, but I’m thinking it was at least 4 more times.

For me the depression was also somewhat circumstantial. I need a lot of alone time to recharge and when you have 2 babies and a husband working shift work it’s hard to get all the breaks you need. Sometimes I felt like I hated my kids, but it wasn’t that I hated them, it was that sometimes I hated being AROUND them LOL. Come on, you can relate haha. After about 18 months I felt more like myself. Yoga, meditation, taking time for myself, going for walks and talking to family and friends were things that helped. Now, I’m doing a lot better and taking it day by day (or at least trying to!).

If you read this far, thank you:)

If you are a mama who is struggling, please reach out and ask for help if you need it. You got this.

-Breyen